Listen here.
As a perfectionist myself, I've noticed that the word often carries a heavy weight -- like it's something to apologize for or overcome. But I've come to realize that perfectionism isn't inherently negative. What matters is how it shows up in our lives and the choices it influences us to make.
The Early Years: When Perfect Meant Pleasing
Looking back at my childhood, my perfectionism wore a particular disguise: good grades, helpfulness at home, and checking all the boxes of what was expected of me. I didn't recognize it then, but woven throughout those "perfect" behaviors was a thick thread of people-pleasing.
That energy followed me into college like a shadow I didn't know I was casting. I carried this need to please others, to do whatever it took to keep everyone happy -- everyone except, perhaps, myself.
The Turning Point
At the end of my freshman year, something shifted. For the first time, I made a decision that was "selfish" -- a choice that prioritized my own needs. The fallout was messy. I lost friends. Things got slightly ugly.
What strikes me now is the pattern I can trace through similar moments in my life. Each time, the situation wasn't just about me -- other people played their parts too. So which was it? Was I frustrating others by trying too hard to please someone else in the equation? Or was the real issue simply that I had dared to put myself first?
These two perspectives paint very different pictures of the same moments.
A New Definition
Recently, while discussing my perfectionist tendencies with a good friend, I realized how much my relationship with perfectionism has evolved.
Today, being a perfectionist doesn't mean pursuing the impossible goal of actual perfection. Instead, it's about constantly striving to become a better version of myself. And isn't that what we're all here to do? To grow, to learn, to improve?
When I examine those earlier "failures" through this new lens, I can see them more clearly. Those lost friendships hurt so deeply because I was still trapped in the people-pleaser mindset. The pain came from knowing I had done the opposite of what felt safe -- I hadn't pleased those people; I'd frustrated them.
The Maturity Of Self-Prioritization
Understanding that putting myself first is necessary -- not selfish -- comes from maturity. We can't pour from an empty cup. We need to take care of ourselves first so we can show up authentically for others in the ways they need us and in the ways we want to be there for them.
I sometimes wonder: if I'd had this outlook during those difficult moments in my past, would they have affected me as strongly? Would I have understood them as necessary acts of self-care rather than personal failures? I'll never know -- we can't rewrite history.
But I'm grateful for where I am now. I have a deeper understanding of myself and how my perfectionism manifests in my life today.
The Takeaway
Perfectionism isn't the enemy. It's not something to be ashamed of or fixed. What matters is recognizing how it shapes your life and influences your decisions. When channeled toward growth rather than people-pleasing, perfectionism can be a powerful tool for becoming the person you're meant to be.
The question isn't whether you're a perfectionist. It's whether your perfectionism serves you -- or whether you're serving it.
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